You aren't a product of your choices.
You are a product of your environment and you have the power to decide whichever road you want to take.
If you don't want to, don't stay somewhere you don't feel right being at.
Don't stay in an abusive relationship.
Don't stay in your ignorance.
Don't wallow in what you did the day before.
Wake up and change your reality.
Wake up and choose to forgive yourself.
Choose to forgive yourself because it's the only way you will move forward.
I think that everybody has skeletons and that when you think you're the only one who really suffers a lot in life, when you think you're the only one who thinks it's hard to live the life you've been given... that's bullshit because everyone has to make sacrifices in life and hard choices to get themselves to where they want to be and where they need to be.. however shitty those sacrifices and choices seem, that's just the way it is.
You're either a fighter or you're a coward.
You'll either see yourself through or you'll give up.
So just keep going.
Keep fighting even if it seems all your effort is for jackshit.
Believe in yourself, that's the most important thing.
Because at the end of the day when you lay down to sleep, you're what you've got.
Life I have found, isn't a sure thing.
Not even in the slightest.
You don’t get to be in control of it.
You get to fight with it, and hope you come out alive on the other side.
You get to battle day after day, for what you are convinced you want and the very next day you get to watch all of that being taken away from you.
The war is here because of you.
Because of the choices you make.
You won't always get the privilege of walking into the battle with your head held high.
You're going to fall on your ass a million times it seems some days, before you find out what the right thing is. Before you find out which way is the right way for you.
And you're going to mourn the people you lose.
Weather it be by death, pride, hate or a general misunderstanding.
Let me tell you that you are going to miss them so bad.
The people you grow up with, the ones who you spent high school with, the ones who talked you out of taking your own life, one day… suddenly- all of them will be gone.
The ones you thought you could never picture your life without.
The ones you truly cared about.
Because of your selfishness.
And because of theirs.
Because of too much communication.
And because of a lack of it.
You will quickly find that, in life- you will never win. You won't. Not without a price.
You will fight the battle all fucking day but at the end of it you will come up short.
Because you don't get to choose when you have dues to pay and when you have demons to fight off.
There won't be a way out of it.
You'll have to sit on the toilet at 8:20 on a Sunday night balling your eyes out because there are people watching football in the basement and it will remind you of him.
It'll remind you that after you watched your first football game with him, nobody else was ever worth watching another game with.
You will find that you really won't be strong on your own.
You won't be able to handle it and it will send you spiraling out of control every time you hear the song photograph.
There won't be a way out of it.
There won't be a way around it.
And people will swear to you there is and that time will heal it but there isn't and they're wrong, time won't heal it; it matters too much.
Just hold on to the good, when he taught you how to drive manual in his Ranger and you picked him sunflowers because sunflowers were his favorite.
All those nights he pulled you out of darkness and put a smile on your face the way only a big brother can do.
How last Christmas you got him a Sharknado poster and he didn't waste a day hanging it up in the middle of his living room and making sure you knew how much he appreciated it.
All those nights your boyfriend worked late so he'd pause Castle, look over and announce: "Alright you look like you're fading away, let's go get food." And he'd take you to Jambones or the Knuckle or he'd make you tacos and tell you about the time he was younger and browned hamburger for the first time and had to call his mom to ask her where the "browning seasoning" was located at in the grocery store.
But on certain evenings, in between watching the Shawshank Redemption and playing some lame game on his phone I still don't know the name of to this day, he'd grill you a steak, give you a beer and sit you down and tell you to pull your head out of your ass and lighten up and it was exactly what you needed every time.
It's been one month Bubba, and I miss you.
Because when all you do is think about how terrible things are..
When all you do is wallow in your self fucking pitty and sit there staring at how shitty everything is.
When you can't find it somewhere in your fucking soul to be thankful for what you've got when you've got it..
That is when you have lost.
You may have the money, the house, the looks; but what have you inside yourself? What have you in the part that lasts?
Do you forgive those around you when they hurt you? Because lord knows you have hurt.
Do you find yourself enjoying the little moments and the stars in the sky? And do you find yourself marveling at how wonderful and how spectacular it is that you are but a spec in this magnificent universe?
Can you find it somewhere inside yourself to take a fucking step back from all the BS in your life and realize that EVERYONE IS HUMAN? Everyone bleeds red so give everyone the benefit of the doubt. So you have fucked up what mattered to you.. So you will get another chance.
You are not so far gone that you are eternally fucked.
